i had some sort of epiphany yesterday morning and sent an email to defer my acceptance at columbia to the fall of 2011. i am now part of columbia college chicago class's of 2015.

i have no idea what i'm doing with my life, but i guess i am willing to find out. by the end of august, i better be equipped with a job, and i am willing to go wherever. time to find a map and a dart to throw at it.

crazy thing is, i feel more secure with my decision than i have with any i've made this entire year, despite the fact that it completely turns my world upside down.

and i am happier than i was yesterday, the day before, and the day i sent in my $250 deposit.

I graduated from high school. Mostly I feel good, otherwise I feel really indifferent. I do feel accomplished and satisfied with life, I guess that's all that really matters.

Four days holed up in my room with the exception of two doctor's visits (h8 the healthcare system) and a meeting at SoT (which was a mistake because it killed me afterwards). I am not a happy camper, and I have spent too much time in my head. I have just regained the energy to write in my moleskine, send emails to teachers, and force myself to be ready to hop on bart at 8am to go to Children's Hospital for x-rays. Thanks, scoliosis, you did me well. Immune system, you fucking suck.

Summer isn't far off, but I'm a little afraid for it. I would like to grab my diploma and leave high school, but going off to college at the moment is just too weird to handle. Mostly because of finances. Columbia College is expensive as fuck, not as much as Whittier, but my financial aide packet was depressing as hell. I'm poor, give me money! I am very close to deferring my acceptance, which destroys my soul. I might end up spending a semester in Washington or something. I am reconsidering my plan of moving to Oregon and taking courses at LCC and transferring to U of O, or back to Columbia like I would really love. Or I could just take a year off and save up money for Chicago. It's all up in the air still, even though I am graduating in just a couple of weeks. I'm trying to not let the change of plans get me down, but it's proving to be a little difficult. I mean, I'll get over it, but it's such a goddamn bummer. Either way, when September hits, I will be out of the Bay Area. I hope. I need the change before more self-destructive things happen like they always do.

Life (there aren't enough pictures, I apologize):


This is a new person. He's neat. I like him in a lot of different ways.


Every coffee date with my gay boyfriend makes me feel a lot better about life, no lie.



I went to Senior Ball on Saturday. Cut my hair off, didn't dance much, and took pictures that I'm too lazy to post. Our stay at the Intercontential was excellent. I wish we spent our time there instead of ball.








I got to feel a little classy with a face full of makeup, it was nice.













I need to have more money in my wallet, less time with people who I feel silently judge me, and less sleep because I rather not to remember what happens in the next couple of months.

I'm happy though, that's still a plus.

Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, “I’m not going to make it,” but you laugh inside remembering all the times you’ve felt that way.

- Charles Bukowski.

25 days until graduation. 25 days until freedom. 25 days + some until my first visit to Chicago, and I'm really hoping I will fall in love with it. I don't think I wouldn't.

I miss my lip ring. I need money to make an appointment for my tattoo. I need money for everything else in life that I actually need.

I became one of those people who make mixes for people they're romantically interested in to tell them that they like them. I think it might have worked in my favor. After last night, I definitely don't regret it.

Summer goals: walk more, spend a lot of time with friends, make more mix CD's, be as honest as possible, listen to more good music, go to a lot shows/concerts and festivals, work work work, and buy lots of clothes while somehow saving money for Chicago living.


I need more of this in my life:





















What I'm listening to this summer:



While the angels stand by I get high as a kite
I'm too tired to smile
Or know that I'm right"

Enough "you and I"
Enough of "the fight"
Enough of "prevail" or "walk in the light"

Turning 18 and having a temp id makes everything in life a lot easier, for now. My right nostril is now pierced. The left will be done in June. Double nostrils ftw.